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The early years....
All the famous (infamous?) tales of how the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. built their unenviable reputation....
1992: CHAMPOUSSIN (John, Dave, Bish and Granger)
This was where we almost got to fight with the Northerners who shared with us in chalet Lepi. The incident occured when we had just finished our meal and John casually came out with "What has eight legs and a bald cunt?........that lot at the end of the table" Luckily, the bald one saw the funny side and the situation was defused. The other subjects of our piss taking were the odd couple (what were their names?). I'll never forget that when we arrived he was in the sitting room reading a Which? report on emulsion paint....and she had a lisp and couldn't pronounce her arrrrwwwss. That reminds me, his name was Wichard. Or even Wichawd.
1996: COURCHEVEL 1850 (John & Dave)
By present day standards John and Dave's trip to Courchevel was relatively tame. Probably the most memorable experience was foam night in a bar who's name escapes us for the moment. Look on the photos page to see some lovely shots of John in the outfit made for the occasion which consists mainly of black plastic bin liners and not much else. The rear end treatment is particularly fetching. If you've never been to a foam night (the bar is lined with plastic and filled to the roof with foam) you cannot believe how manic it is (or how wet you get)
1997: VAL DISERE 22 February
This was the first official gathering of the core members of W.A.N.K.E.R.S., namely John, Dave, Ian and Adrian. This was also the debut of the now infamous T shirts, this particular example still proudly worn by all members (including Hans who was given honorary, back-dated membership due to his exemplary service.)It lists 10 interesting things to do on a skiing holiday and includes having a dump with your skis on and going on a baked bean diet.
1998: LES DEUX ALPES 17 January & TIGNES LE LAVACHET 21 February
Les Deux Alpes was the first breakaway New Year holiday for the W.A.N.K.E.R.S., in the form of a two man assault team, namely John and Ian. Highlights included John having to carry Ian home on the first night and becoming so exhausted that he had no choice but to leave him in the foyer of the hotel. Ian later awoke, shouting at the top of his voice as he could not find the room. This particularly endeared him to the other guests, who treated him as a leper for the rest of the week.
The most important discovery during this trip was that of Tequila slammers. John and Ian indulged in these in a big way in the Brazilian Bar on John's birthday on January 20th. The bar was famous for its scenery, namely the wife of the owner who stood behind the counter all night, doing nothing except looking like the model she was. The slammers, which were available individually, but more famously as a 'metre' helped the pair of W.A.N.K.E.R.S. to become local celebrities with their dancing antics on the podiums which they performed on for most of the night......
By the way, a metre of slammers is a long (metre long funnily enough) block of wood containing about 15 slots for the slammers to sit in. You start at one end and devour the lot in one session. The W.A.N.K.E.R.S. can just remember having two....
TIGNES LE LAVACHET was just as memorable as this was the scene of the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. first trip to the Alps by Ski train. The incident which occured on the trip over is probably the most famous in W.A.N.K.E.R. folklore. Over the years the tale has been recounted on numerous occasions, but here in print for the first time is the definitive version:
THE INCONTINENT IAN INCIDENT:
W.A.N.K.E.R. members, John, Dave, Adrian and Ian were sharing a Couchette with a guy from London and his young son, who luckily were placed in the top bunks. True to form, Ian became completely paraletic (as did the others it has to be said) in the bar/disco which is part of the overnight amusement provided by the thoughtful French.
Leaving Ian to his own devices, the remaining trio returned to the couchette at around 2-00 am and became instantly unconscious. At around 3-00 am Ian returns and spends an age trying to get into his bunk on the second level. After several attempts he succeeds. but soon afterwards is scrambling out again. John and Adrian are paralised with alcohol, on opposite sides of the bottom bunk. Adrian is awoken to the unusual feel of 'water' splashing on his face. John seems to come to at the same time to the sight of Ian peeing in the space between the bunks. Unfortunately both John and Adrian are too drunk to do anything about it and Ian empties his entire bladder in the carriage.
His attempts to get back into bed are even more ridiculous as he cannot find the opening of his sleeping bag and is swearing and muttering to himself like a bag man who's had too much meth. An hour later, both John and Adrian are aware of a stirring from Ian's general direction. This time their paralysis has worn off and they are aware of the impending waterfall which is about to engulf them if they do not take action. Grabbing Ian by the arm, they 'encourage' him outside and tell him to find the loo. Ian ignores this, peeing in the corridor and eventually returning to his bunk amidst much swearing and nonsense.
The next morning, the lucky travellers awake to the sight of wee swilling up and down the corridor, in line with the gentle rocking of the train as it wends its way to Bourg St Maurice.....
The irony of the tale is that Ian then discovers he has peed in his own travel bag and all his clothing is soaking wet. Amazingly, he has no recall of any of the incidents, but the wet clothes are just recompense. As for the father and son in the top bunks, thankfully, they took it all in good spirit and saw the funny side of it....
However, later in the holiday, there is an even more amazing 'weeing' incident....
Adrian meets a young lady who he gets on with remarkably well. Earlier in the week, Ian strains his back and is out of action, having been prescribed muscle relaxants. Adrian is sharing a room with Ian. Adrian wishes to use the room with his new friend. However, they are aware Ian will be there as uncharacteristically, he has been going to bed early as he is in such pain. They have the idea of dropping some extra muscle relaxants in his drink to ensure he is unconscious while they are doing whatever it is they planned to do. When they go to the room, Ian is spreadeagled, naked on the bed, dead to the world. Adrian and his friend set to work, ending up on the floor by the bed.
As things begin to hot up, they are aware of movement in the Ian direction and a eerily familiar sound. Unable to resist a peek, Adrian pops his head up to see Ian giving a great impression of a fountain, whilst still totally flat out.
When asked whether he was then able to continue with his intended mission, Adrian comes out with the now classic, "There's nothing like the sight of a man pissing himself to put you off sex...."
Ironically, his new friend later divulged that she was in fact, a Lesbian, whatever one of those is....
1999: PILA 27 December 1998 to 2 January 1999
This is where John and Ian met the 'Nervous Brothers' alias Luke and Tim, who were staying in their hotel. Towards the end of the holiday the quartet were in the UK bar where the sex starved Luke liaised with a young lady, who by general consensus was lacking in the looks and bodily form departments. I believe the word 'pig' was mentioned a few times..... Needless to say, the young skywalker was rather the worse for wear during his initial exploration of the young lady's throat with his tongue, but as the evening wore on, sobriety gradually intervened and Luke realised the error of his ways.
Being inexperienced in such matters, panic raced through his head and realising he would have to do something he would rather not if he remained in the young lady's company, he adjourned to the gents to formulate a plan. Bizarrely, this took the form of climbing out of the small loo window, with a view to making his escape home. What he had not bargained on was that the window dropped down into a closed yard at the back of the bar, where there appeared to be no escape from, other than to climb a pair of 20 feet high double wooden gates. With no alternative, Luke set about this task, repeatedly falling and dishevelling himself, until eventually managing to drag himself onto the top of the gate and falling in a heap in the street below....
The next day, the evidence of his escape was all too clear to see, his hands cut and bleeding and his body unable to get out of bed before mid-day. Needless to say, the young lady was mystified as to why her Luke had gone into the loo and never emerged.....
This holiday was also the scene of the first 'Higgle Piggle' game, which you can find out all about on the games page (eventually) and see evidence of in the photo at the top of this page.(Luke and Tim are the two guys on the end)
CHAMONIX 26 February to 6 March 1999
The first official gathering of the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. There were nine on this trip and although many hilarious things happened, few are worthy of public consumption. The pictures of the group on the photo page, complete with multi coloured wigs, kind of says it all really....
However, the meal on the last night, when John decided to drop his trousers in the restaurant (under the influence of too much Tequila) was one of the highlights, along with the fact he spent 150 pounds that night and still has no idea why or how.....And Ian being wacked on the head by John with a spoon numerous times in the middle of a silly kissing game....
2000: COURCHEVEL 1850 29 December 1999 to 8 January
Just John and Paul Fowler on this one. Most of the people in the chalet were complete cunts. They didn't like it that we only paid L360 for 10 days (last minute) and they had shelled out L2,000 a year before. John was so drunk on New Years Eve 1999, he:
i. Attempted fire eating
ii. Can remember nothing of what happend after midnight
iii. Paid L30 to get into the Calico bar and it was crap.
iv. Was amazed to find himself in his bed the next morning
2000 & TIGNES VAL CLARET 12 to 19 February to 6 March 2000
This was a holiday all W.A.N.K.E.R.S. could be proud of. First incident was Ian getting wankered on the first night and peeing in his waste paper bin in the room, much to Roger's disgust.
Second was 'Vicars and Tarts' night on Valentines Day. Five dressed as tarts, the others as vicars, some more enthusiastically than others (Roger was a miserable fucker who didn't join in anything.) Caused much hilarity when we came down to dinner. Adjourned to downstairs bar afterwards. John's outfit was rather revealing. Black tights with no pants underneath, just a huge mock beaver...He's never had his bum pinched so much...
Then someone suggested we adjourn to another bar where there was live music. Suitable canned up, we brave the elements, most of us dressed in nothing but T shirts, wigs and tights. Sure enough, as we approach the bar in question, the sound of heavy music reverberates from within. We burst in and the tarts are straight on the dance floor, giving it large. After a few minutes we look around and think, "There aren't many women in here". It soon becomes apparent, this is a gay bar. They must have thought their dreams had come true - a load of English guys dressed as women - shit...
Motty had the most offers, as a French guy asks him out to dinner. When he says he's with us the Frog says, well they can come as well...Needless to say, we did not accept the kind offer. An interesting psychological aspect of the experience was that the 'vicars' (apart from Maurice) seemed to be extremely uncomfortable and spent the evening with their backs to the wall and fists clenched, ready to wack any of the gays who might approach them. The tarts on the other hand couldn't care less and bopped the night away, dancing around a bright yellow 15 foot plastic gas pipe which John had acquired on the journey and managed to 'smuggle' into the bar
As if this incident were not enough, a couple of nights later, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. gathered in John and Motty's room after a night out. Hans, being an explosives expert, had acquired a selection of fireworks. Some were let off in the room, hence the black marks found on the walls in the morning, whilst others were thrown down into the square below (about four stories down). Unfortunately, Hans had chosen to throw some at a couple of guys who turned out to be policemen. Not the relatively friendly gendarmes, but the other lot who are armed to the teeth and punch first, ask questions later.
Much amusement was caused as John had been having a pee and was oblivious to what had been occuring. As he came out of the bog, he was mystified as to why Hans was being led away by two burly guys in dark coats..... Luckily he got away with having his passport confiscated. However this in itself caused much merriment as Ian instigated a false fax from the British Embassy in Lyons, claiming his passport had been sent there and he must go there to collect it....Hans eventually saw through his and did his own version, claiming that the Embassy was sending someone to investigate the sending of a false document from the Embassy....
2001: VILLARS 2 to 14 March 2001
This was one of the most bizarre weeks in W.A.N.K.E.R. history. Four members, John, Dave, Hans and Bish, booked on the internet to stay in Hotel Montesano, run by an English guy from 'up north'
To say this place was semi-derelict would be an understatement. Once a magnificent hotel with wonderful views over the valley, it had been closed for years and was in a terrible state. This guy had managed to 'renovate' a few rooms, which, to be fair, were reasonably comfortable and full of stuff fresh from Ikea. However, the plumbing was like nothing you have ever seen..... His in house DIY man was Colin, who was at the back of the queue when the brain cells were handed out. His idea of tidy plumbing was to run a 1" diameter pipe around the middle of the room, suspended on coat hanger wire. The cistern in one of the loos was only supported by the outlet pipe and wavered in the breeze like a man who has snapped candles for legs.
But Colin's real talent lied in his powers of questioning. For example, when we returned to the hotel after a days skiing, laden down with all our gear, he would say in his best Northern accent "Have you been skiing". No, Colin we just like dressing up in all this gear. Then, "Do you like skiing". No Colin, we hate it, that's why we go every year.
And then there was the classic. Dressed as Vicars (as you do) we are leaving the hotel this particular night, to meet Colin on the way out. Looking at our dog collars, Colin comes out with the incredible observation, "Oh, you've hurt your neck" No, Colin, we are Vicars. "Are you really Vicars" Yes, Colin, we are....and so on....we pissed ourselves with that one.
2002: TIGNES LE LAVACHET 29 December 2001 to 5 January 2002
John and Hans on this one. Very nice Chalet (Isabelle) and great Ski company (Ski Olympic). Lots of silliness on NY Eve, John gets lost on his way home from the pub (as usual) and nearly dies of hypothermia and we manage to persuade a very staid doctor from Bristol to get on stage in one of the bars, dressed (like us) as vicars (again) and lead the dancing. On the last night, we wrap the entire chalet in the orange netting they use to mark the edge of the pistes. This, despite the snow being neck deep at the rear of the chalet. Amazingly at 6-00 am the following day its all gone....
LA TANIA 23 February to 2 March 2002
A large group, including Fordy, the Vertes Freres (Steve and Andy Green) and a total physcho called Des who is a 'friend' of Ians. How he didn't get taken out by one of us we'll never know.
Having been in the chalet for less than two hours, our reputation was already established.Mike and John decided to remove the doors of their wardrobes to give them more room. Then at dinner, Andy Green decided to sprinkle salt on John's dessert. Having taken a mouthful, John spat the chocolate concoction out, all over Andy, but also over the curtains of the chalet making a right mess. At this stage, the chalet 'boy' was completely freaked out. We later learnt the word had gone around the rep's about how mad we were. When we did a trip out to Meribel, the girl assigned to us was so scared she was even reluctant to get in the minibus with us.... This was the debut of the DUREX High Altitude Test Team, the uniform for which was our most successful ever. (See photos) First night, Ian gets hammered as usual, as does John, the pair becoming totally lost on the long trek back to Chalet Jennifer. Ian is lagging only a few yards behind John, who eventually sees the place and goes inside. Ian is so pissed he carries on walking straight past, even though some of the lads call out to him. John resists the requests of the others who suggest he goes after Ian, saying "He's not my friend, let him die", or words to that effect. Somehow, Ian does eventually make it back, almost dead with cold.
Amongst the other escapades were John and Steve stealing the huge wooden menu board from outside the Ski Lodge pub and carrying it to the very top of the lift in La Tania. John wanted to throw it off the top down into the square below (about 250 feet?) but thankfully Steve was compus mentis enough to stop him. Instead, they assembled it on the exit of the lift and when the others returned, bombarded them with snow balls from a strategic point above.
Later, the said board found its way to the top of the drag lift which meanders down to the lift station and was used as a sledge. Bloody hairy that was, I can tell you... On the last night, there was another contamination incident. Mike decided it would be funny to replace the tonic water used in the slammers with Andrew's liver salts. John realised straight away so spoling the intended 'running to the toilet' scenario envisaged by Mike.
What the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. did next.....
2003: SOLDEU 29 December 2002 to 4 January 2003
Just John and Hans again this year, but what a time was had. With the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. regalia now sufficient to allow a different 'dress code' every evening, the fearsome pair lived it large for the week, staying in Hotel Bruxelles, which is so conveniently positioned within staggering distance of about half a dozen bars.
New Year's Eve was their 'piece de resistance', John dressed in '70's gear complete with blond 'footballer's' wig, huge bell bottoms and 'X-ray specs', whilst 'the Hans meister' had the most hilarious Scotsman's outfit complete with huge kilt and ginger beard. (See photos page) Needless to say, the dynamic duo entertained the crowds in the 'Pussy Cat' bar by dancing non stop on stage for hours.
Special mentions should go out to 'Trudes', Atomic Kitten, Ellen and Paul who managed to put up with their antics, which also included John's special Karaoke rendition of 'Alice'.
SOLL 1 to 8 February 2003
John, Hans, Dave, Adrian and Ian were joined by a new W.A.N.K.E.R., Pat, who despite being a little shell shocked by their antics, integrated into the spirit, particularly the dressing up as Red Indians bit....
The Whiskey Muhler was the scene of nightly antics, as usual revolving around wigs, our latest 'Soll Mates' T shirts, Karaoke (Alice again) and much bopping.
One of the highlights was John and Hans performing a 'Full Monty' back in the bar of Hotel Austria to the backing of 'Sex Bomb'. Thankfully, the battery on the video camera (operated by Dave), ran out before the appropriate moment...
The same bar also witnessed John singing 'Alice' live with the Geordy band, which seemed to liven things up a bit...
The balcony of John and Adrian's apartment was enhanced with the addition of a lovely potted tree which appeared there one night after an expedition to the Whiskey Muhler....
MERIBEL, February 21 to 28 2004 The W.A.N.K.E.R.S. returned to the Three Valleys after a couple of years break and luckily were not recognised by any of the locals or the authorities. The week got off to a good start with Ian demonstrating his amazing 'shagging dog' to the amusement of those in Chalet Erige. The other guests consisted mainly of a party of lawyers/trainee lawyers from London who found the antics of this little animal quite fascinating. Basically, you attached it to your arm or a wine bottle or other suitable object and it would work through its mating routine to a suitable climax. The week then developed into an interesting physcological study of the reactions of the lawyers to the antics of the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. It appeared that whenever the lawyers enjoyed themselves too much, they would experience deep regret/embarrassment the next day and would return to 'reserved and quiet' mode. This resulted in a roller coaster of enjoyment/misery throughout the week, the likes of which the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. have never experienced before. Nevertheless, lots of fun moments were had, not the least of which were some new games which you can read about on the GAMES page. Much to the amusement of the other W.A.N.K.E.R.S., John experienced a somewhat memorable incident which resulted in his bed sheets being soiled to the extent they were only fit for burning. It is highly likely a photographic record of the aftermath will appear on the PHOTOS page.... Another 'highlight', was the chalet bitch's (the lovely Genevieve) day off when the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. were taken by minibus to a restaurant somewhere or other for a meal of meat cooked on hot stones. John wore his infamous pin stripe suit with the back cut out (see photos page) which seemed to deeply embarrass everyone except him. During the tongue twister game introduced by the lads at the end of the table, John became so incoherently drunk he could not remember the bus trip from the restaurant to 'Le Pub'. Even the fact he spent most of the journey led unconscious on the floor of the bus....Despite this he managed to revive himself sufficiently to be allowed into 'Le Pub', where he proceeded to win their fancy dress competition, without even entering it! This was much to the disgust of those who had taken considerable time and effort to enter it properly. John and the others then proceeded to dance the night away with various/all members of the lawyer party (including Peter and James...). Needless to stay, the lawyers had one of their 'quiet' moments the following night.... Thursday night saw the introduction of Adrian's brilliant 'seat swopping' game, where the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. had a spiffing time and learnt all kinds of things about everyone....which is probably why the lawyers eat their meal in silence the following night and made it clear they wanted nothing more to do with the W.A.N.K.E.R.S....... The unanswered question of the week though was whether James lawyer shagged Claire lawyer. The W.A.N.K.E.R.S. think he probably did.....please let us know if you dare..... Sauze D'Oulx February 27 to March 6 2005 With Adrian sadly missing this year due to his recent appointment as vice president of the International Monetary Fund (Stroud branch), it was left to to John, Dave, Hans and Ian to uphold honours. This was the first visit by the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. to Italy since John and Ian took Aosta and Pila by storm over the 1998 New Year. The hotel, Relais Des Alpes, was the establishment unlucky enough to acquire the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. business and after a couple of incidents, it's unlikely they would want to accept it again..... Sponsorship on this trip was courtesy of Ralph Lauren, promoting its new range of Haemorrhoid cream with the slogan, 'the designer solution for painful piles'.....The trip was made in conjunction with the 'Bath Tourettes Syndrome Society', which gave the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. a good excuse to swear a lot. Team clothing was a tasteful white long sleeved top with red arms and collar, matched with pink and orange pyjama bottoms. As you can imagine, this was extremely well received in the 4 star luxury of the hotel's restaurant. Nevertheless, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. were relatively well received on the first night, the old Italian head waiter being particularly welcoming, but placing the quartet in a somewhat isolated position, behind a pillar, a little away from the other guests.... The W.A.N.K.E.R.S. detected a little hostility from the table of Brummie/Manchester guys adjacent to them who seemed determined not to raise a smile or indulge in any hedonistic activity of any kind. Thankfully, the two parties were kept well apart thereafter, as another meal in close proximity would probably have seen a repeat of the 1994 Champoussin, "whats got 8 legs and a bald cunt" incident. Wishing to kick off the week in a suitably W.A.N.K.E.R.S. style manner, John, having indulged in the usual slammers, beer and more than his share of red wine, decided a food flicking competition should begin at dessert. When the others expressed some small doubt over this, John came out with the now classic line, "It's a buffet, we can do whatever we want." and then proceeded to flick a lump of creme brulee onto the pillar behind Ian and Hans. The timing and delivery was such that the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. promptly dissolved into what must be one of the longest and most classic giggling fits ever known in W.A.N.K.E.R. history. Consequently, the "It's a buffet" phrase has now entered into the official W.A.N.K.E.R.S. vocabulary. (See appropriate page). This next 'tale' may or may not be true........you'll understand why when you read it.....At the same time, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. had been pondering how to reduce their wine bill by adopting a 'buy one get one free' strategy, simply by repositioning one of the bottles located on the tables next to the buffet onto their own table. This worked a treat for the first couple of nights, only for 'Gestapo waiter' to notice on night three and bill them accordingly. This prompted John to consider other options for enhancing their wine consumption. The restaurant being conveniently situated on the same floor as their rooms gave the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. (John actually) the idea of entering after dinner and liberating a few bottles. The intial idea of crawling along the ledge outside was soon (thankfully) abandoned, but John noticed the double doors into the restaurant could be pulled apart, secured as they were by a chain looped around the inner handles. Assisted by Dave, John slipped the bolts in the door and proceed to slide between the very narrow opening, defying the calls of Hans and Ian who kept a discreet distance away from the whole affair. Against all odds and despite his head being squeezed between the doors, John managed to slip through, quickly picked up four bottles of red and passed them through to Dave. Emerging feet first through the doors, unfortunately two of the bottles were kicked over and smashed, prompting Ian and Hans to adopt cowardice mode and scarper. Meanwhile, one of the female hotel guests had happened by and stopped to watch the whole incident, arms folded in disgust. John, now lying in a bath of red wine had his head firmly gripped between the doors and was pleading with Dave to pull them open a bit wider, so he could 'escape'. Eventually, this was accomplished, the guest meanwhile having rushed downstairs to alert the management. Thinking (relatively) quickly John and Dave picked up the intact bottles, taking them to John's room, returning to the scene to pick up the broken glass, hiding it under their coats and walking downstairs as the 'lady boy' receptionist and a fucking huge security guy came up. Rendesvousing outside with the cowards, a mild panic set in that security might search the W.A.N.K.E.R.S.' rooms and find the wine. John therefore volunteered to return to the room and locked the offending bottles in his case, passing by the crime scene where the 'man mountain' was surveying the area with a puzzled look, unable to comprehend; a.How anyone could have squeezed through the doors? and b. In that case how did red wine get spilled all over the floor......? The W.A.N.K.E.R.S. returned later that night and whilst nothing was directly said to them, they were thereafter treated like lepers by the head waiter and the 'lady boy' receptionist. In comparison, the remainder of the week passed in relative harmony. Wednesday saw the team dressed as 'Teddy Boys' at the karaoke competition at the misnamed 'Crowded House' and Saturday night in pyjamas, though upstaged somewhat at Paddy McGintys by a brilliant group dressed as pop stars. Michael Jackson was ace (but kept well away from small boys). John rounded off the evening's Karaoke to everyone's delight with a rendition of 'Is this love' from Bob Marley. Oh and crocheted hats in silly colours made their debut (but mainly on John's head) see photo page.
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