As many of you will know, the compilation of jokes is an integral part of the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. way of life. Here are a few, please send us yours...
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!".
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot three inches!".
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And could I have your name please?"
The woman bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide Loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes. Until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it all comes off.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Clean all wet shower surfaces.
Spray mould spots with flash bathroom spray.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making "Woohoo"sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wank in wifes shampoo bottle (optional)
Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash bum, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower) Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob(again)
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.....
Two blondes are wandering through the perfume section of the department store during their lunch-hour. One of them picks up a sample bottle, sprays
a little on her wrist and smells it. "Oooh! That smells nice doesn't it?" she says to her friend. "I wonder what it's called?"
"It says Viens a Moi on the label," says the other. "What's that mean then?"
The assistant behind the counter comes over. "Viens a moi is French," she says. "It means 'come to me'."
The first blonde takes another sniff and offers her wrist to her mate saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to
you?"
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do a '69.'
"What's that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart! "What the hell was that for?."
"Ooops!...sorry, let's try again" she says. So, they get into position again...and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, wait where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!
This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different motions, eg anger, fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be? "Paddy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustard, and my friend here has just come in dispair."
The Story of My Life ..
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Two rats crawling through shit in a sewer. One says, 'I'm fed up with this', the other says, 'Don't worry, in another hour we'll be on the piss.'
And remember......
Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties, it's not big & it's not clever.
And now a Tequila joke:
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."
And now a Jagermeister joke....
A young man walks into the pub and sits down at the bar.
"What’ll it be?" asks the landlord.
"I want six shots of Jagermeister," says the young man.
"Six shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes. My first blow job."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house."
"Cheers! Very kind of you. Although if six shots don't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."
